“We are all going to die”. Said Jayden. “Really”, said Reuben. “Yeah look around”. The slime dripped through. “Oh nice to know, We like soooo have to escape.” said Reuben. “But I am so tired”. Said Jayden. “That slime is as black as tar. Now come on”. Said Reuben. “FINE”. said Jayden. “But first we must celebrate PENGUINS”. “Fine”. “celebrate PENGUINS!!!!!!!!!”
“Ok now we escape get to the life rafts on the boat”. “Ok, lets go”. “FINE. see I am on the life raft”. “That's the toilet”. “So it is”. “Let's go home now, I want to see my family”. “So be it bye”.
It's good to see you putting all of your speech in speech marks Flynn. Next week I will be taking a workshop on the new speaker, new line rule. I think this will help your readers work out who is talking. I think you are relying too much on speech to tell your story and missing out the detail that you, as a narrator, need to be adding in. For instance - penguins? I'm sure this made sense in your head, but to the reader it needs more explanation.
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